I Am Not A Landfill

When I was younger, I thought that the world had to revolve around how I felt. Which also meant that the world had to cater to all of my whims. I began to see that part of myself in other people and realized how toxic and exhausting it is to be on the receiving end of that type of behavior. All the constant complaining and temper tantrums were results of an unseasoned mental state and of an arrogance that is inherent to youth. So I’ve had to adjust the way that I interact with people. That also means that I’ve had to learn emotional independence. While it’s great to talk things out and to openly express my disdain about whatever it is at the moment, I’ve learned to search for results on my own in order to preserve my relationships and to allow myself to grow on my own terms.

I’m not sure if I’m a real empath. I feel strong compassion for people. I care a LOT about how I make people feel. Other people’s suffering make me incredibly sad and it is natural for me to want to help. But I’ve began to notice that the threshold for carrying the weight of the world is shortening. I’m not as willing to be emotionally accommodating because I don’t want to be a landfill. You know, a place where garbage is stored. Far away landfills looks like hills or mountains and they are well kept but inside is discarded waste. I’ve discovered that it is important for me to establish those boundaries or else I will end up depleted.

I don’t want to be made up of the parts of people that they don’t want themselves, while my defective parts are buried under theirs, buried where I can’t reach them to fix them. I don’t want relationships with people who won’t help me tend my garden, but will eat from it. I’ve felt emotionally neglected for sometime and I’ve tried to compensate for the parts that I thought were missing by being a conduit for other people’s misery.

Self care has been a buzz phrase for a while now. I’ve come to realize that I have to limit access to the parts of myself that sacrifices my feelings for someone else’s. I am not a landfill. Maybe a recycling center LOL. I’ll always care about the world, but not at the cost of my peace.

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