I’ve been told that if I were to have a child, my maternal instincts would kick in. I don’t doubt that. I really love children. However, I am not overtly nurturing. I think that I love passively and that I’m relatively distant. I’m kind and compassionate, but the trait that seems confined to women, that motherly doting, I don’t possess. Knowing that makes me partially hesitant to entertain the idea of offspring because I don’t want a child to suffer. The other half? I cannot envision my life as a mother and I don’t have an urge to parent. Society has a way of burdening us with ideals that trigger guilt if we don’t fit a particular blueprint. Most days, the revelation that I’m okay with a childless existence is enough on its own. On other days, I flip through my mind’s pages, trying to fit my ideals into a pre-designed box. It is not conventional comparatively, but separately, my normal is normal. This life is all that I’ve known. There’s a song by one of my favorite artists, India.Arie, titled “Life I Know” that embodies how I mostly feel about my life as a woman without children or a partner.
There is an existing duality, as is consistent with me. I am wonderfully free from attachments, but I’m so uprooted that it feels as if I am floating away from myself from time to time. There isn’t anyone relying on my survival to survive and when my spirit feels cloudy, I’m led to question my purpose, with that thought as a reverberating topic, a drumming rain. What would it feel like if I had a child who needed my love? Someone who needed me every day? When the question “Do you want kids?” is posed, I’m usually hesitant to answer. The conversation includes me sharing that if I were in a committed relationship and the opportunity arose, I wouldn’t back away. It’s so difficult to envision a future with such a contradictory present.
I know how dangerous it is to cocoon myself in the idea that things won’t change. I change my mind constantly and the Universe conspires in my favor. Table for one, could be a table for us. But right now, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on the high chair.