I was bored. I deleted it 24 hours later. If they allowed me to delete to do it sooner, I would have. I received well over a 100 notifications before I “hid” my profile until the 24-hour grace period. I didn’t even have a real bio up, which was indicative of my lack of attachment to my own idea.
It made me anxious, not only because I feared that my accessibility would somehow compromise my brand, but also because it didn’t feel organic. I don’t want to “audition” for a partner. If it’s supposed to be a condensed, virtual representation of the “real world”, then maybe I just don’t want to date at all and perhaps that’s what it boils down to.
This is the first time in my adult life that I do not have a love interest. You see, I loved the same person for a very long time and the “off” times in between, there was always someone tugging at my dress, so to speak. It wasn’t a public relationship, so most people don’t associate me with him. After a lengthy period of indecision, there’s now a true void. I think that it’s natural to want to fill in spaces and I often wonder if we date out of habit. I shouldn’t have been on that dating site because I know, in my heart of hearts, that I am not emotionally available. I joined because having a love interest is simply something that I am used to. My ego won’t allow for anything else and is way too often the driving source of my decisions.
All of us have our ideas about love and romance. How it should look, what it should feel like, the type of person it should be with. My heart is coming from a place of trauma that existed before my last lover. Recognizing that is half the battle. Another fraction is figuring out what to do with the trauma as I go about my day-to-day life; Trying not to project, trying to give myself and others a fair chance, and trying not to enlist in the fear. Right now, decisively, being fair to myself is standing back and allowing myself to take care of myself and that may not involve catering to the longing for romance. I’m trying—going— to be okay with that.
So, I joined a dating site and realized that I’m not ready to date.